Saturday, June 2, 2012

Some thoughts

First off I just want to give a warning this post is not meant to offend, nor is it directed toward anyone, so please do not read if you offend easily, this post is for me to get some thoughts and feelings out so please don't judge.

How to start? Well I can say I am getting increasingly bitter towards Rexburg, to the point where I absolutely HATE it here, and don't want to leave the house some days, the cause of this? Babies, they seem to be EVERYWHERE I look.  I want kids so so badly, I was content with not having kids til Kyle graduated, until last month, when I was a week late, don't worry for all those that think it incredibly foolish for us to have kids right now, I'm not.  But the emotions of that week were at first oh crap! to well maybe it wouldn't be so bad.  This is the cause of my wanting. I am also incredibly bitter towards Wilson's Disease, I hate that it rules my life, HATE it.  But at the same time it's a part of me, something that I have to accept, it's just getting hard.  It seems like almost everyone I know has a kid or two by now, or is expecting, and don't get me wrong I am happy for them, I just wish we could have that too.  I really wish I could get a glimpse into the future to know if I even can conceive,  that is one of the hardest things I think, the not knowing.  I have shed quite a few tears these last few weeks, I have been an emotional wreck.  I'm not asking for sympathy, I just needed to get this out, I'm hurting and I don't know how to fix it.  Yes I realize I am incredibly blessed, I have an amazing husband who cares deeply for me, two wonderful dogs, who love me unconditionally, and bring a lot of joy to my life. A roof over my head, food on the table, gas in our cars, etc, but that doesn't help with that desire, want, need, to be a mom.  My heart hurts to think that our children may not know Aurora and Sequoyah, or if they do possibly not for very long.

1 comment:

  1. I just wanted to tell you that I don't think it would be foolish for you to have kids while Kyle and you are in school. It would be a sacrifice, but not foolish. Some of the hardest things in life are also the best. That's the first commandment to us when we're married, so screw what everyone else thinks. I never say anything out loud but it always pisses me off when I hear people tell you and Kyle that you need to wait. It's no ones business but yours and the Lords. If you want kids but pray and it's not right, then yeah wait. That's why we didn't have a honeymoon baby. But don't listen to other peoples opinion. No one else is getting that revelation for you. Even if they say they are. If you have a desire to be a Mom, heck- go do it! It only gets harder with age. And that post above talked about how good you are doing, eating and typing and everything. I'm not saying that everything will be fine, or any of that. But just don't base your decisions on- well so and so think it would be "foolish of us". Following gods commandments will never be foolish. Never.
    They just diagnosed me with APS, which is a bleeding disorder that causes miscarriages in pregnancy. If I would have waited to get pregnant like some people wanted, I would now be so depressed because I wouldn't have Gratton, but also wouldn't know if I could ever have kids in the future. Screw other peoples opinions- and that's just my opinion, so by by own advice, you don't have to listen to me either! Hahaha love you guys. Even though you might not think so sometimes